=
__I made myself up, not knowing if he'd be there but hoping he would. I wanted so badly for him to see me looking my best, making him miss me. I wanted him to think twice about letting me go. I needed him to feel as though he made a mistake. One side of me wondered if he'd see through the mask I'd powdered onto my face, while the other side continued to put on eye shadow and blush ignoring everything but the task at hand.__My face was now ready to take center stage. However, I felt the tears pulling together in the wings simply waiting for their cue. I didn't want to cry and I wasn't planning on it anytime soon. I had no reason to cry. Not yet, anyway. I decided I was going to be strong and wrap myself in a hard, rocky surface so no one would see how tender and sore I was on the inside; especially him.
__On the drive there, I was confident. I looked great and I even let myself get a little cocky in thinking that no man could resist me looking like this. I pulled into the parking lot and checked my face one last time. "Perfect," I thought. I stepped out of the car and headed towards the building. Suddenly, it was all different. The confidence drifted away more and more as I got closer. The hard shell I had created was gradually chipping away.
__Once I got to the door, I hesitated. I had to take a moment to mentally gather up the pieces. I pushed myself through the double doors and immediately found myself scanning the crowd searching for his face. I must've analyzed everyone's face about three times within sixty seconds which meant he wasn't there. I guess it was for the best anyway. I was still too much of a wreck to see him right now. I wasn't ready to see him at all but that didn't change the fact that I still wanted to.
__I then realized how much I really didn't want to be there. It was crowded and the room smelt of sweat and over done cologne. It wasn't all too great of a place to be but everyone was there for a reason. Some may have wanted to simply hang out with their friends while others felt the need to demand attention from the entire room. One thing was certain; no one came because they merely enjoyed sweating in a crammed space. I knew what my reason had been but it seemed so trivial after I took a good look at the place. I wasn't sure if suffering within this confinement was really worth it.
__I wasn't about to stay a moment longer. Better to leave now than to stay there and wait for someone who may never show. Then, as I was heading towards the exit, the doors swung open revealing my wish and my absolute horror. There he was, looking as wonderful as ever with his beaming smile. That smile which could make butter melt on the coldest day of the year. However, it was tainted with the presence of the two dollar whore on his arm. Okay, she wasn't a whore, in fact, she was a wonderful girl. She was pretty in a modest way, smart beyond belief, and incredibly sweet which made it even more sour for me.
__Noticing that I had been staring, I quickly jerked my head around as if I were looking for someone else. I needed to escape. I didn't feel like such hot stuff as I did earlier but who would in comparison to "The Virgin Mary: Super Model Edition" at his side. There was no way I could face him with her pure, green eyes gazing up at him the whole time. Unfortunately, I couldn't get away fast enough for he saw me across the room. He waved at me and headed in my direction with her hand clasped in his.
__As the space between us became smaller, I grew eager to smell him again. His scent was a faded memory I couldn't wait to make clear again. Every buzzing cell inside me reached out for it as it lingered towards me. Then, like a long awaited breeze on a hot summer's day, the smell of him drifted over to my face. I exhaled sharply, it was better than I remembered. I took in another sample of his aroma and in doing so it triggered a series of memories, good and bad. No, all bad because even the seemingly good ones were laced with the pain of his leaving me.
__Before I knew it, he was two feet away from me and I almost forgot where I was and who he was with.
__"Hey."
__His scent wasn't enough torture, he had to speak and fill my ears with overwhelming charm as well. I just smiled. There was so much I wanted to say but I couldn't find the words or rather the courage. He motioned to his petite companion with great pride and adoration.
__"This is Emma."
__"Hello."
__Her voice may as well have been chimes. Chimes that seemed to sing in my head while at the same time send shattering vibrations to my heart. Her big green eyes looked upon me with sincere kindness. It burned my brain with confusion. Did she not know that her arm candy used to be my boyfriend? Wasn't she the least bit jealous? Most girls would be on guard when "The Ex" was near their man. But not her, she wasn't defensive in any way.
__"Nice to meet you," I lied.
__Still gleaming towards his pride and joy, he told me that Emma recently won an essay contest about Greek culture and that the grand prize she received was a four ticket trip to Greece.
__"Wow," I managed to choke out.
__He continued, "She of course is bringing along her parents and has offered me the fourth ticket! Isn't this amazing! You know how badly I've been wanting to travel."
__I did know. We had always talked about taking a trip to Europe together but never had the means to actually do it. The thought of her going on my romantic vacation with him put a large amount of pressure onto my chest. Was this the cue my tears have been waiting for? No, not yet. This was not their time to come out but I knew the moment wasn't too far away.
__He finally peeled his eyes off of her to see my reaction. I forced a smile onto my face. My skin felt so heavy I thought I wouldn't be able to make it happen. He smiled back. I believe he was too excited about his news to properly gage which way my feelings had truly been about it. He was blinded by sheer happiness and I was thankful. I'd be able to get through this ordeal without him seeing the anguish that resided in my eyes. And if it weren't for the expected unfaltering gaze Emma held on him, she definitely would have seen my pain, even if he didn't. I needed to go before my luck ran out.
__I interrupted their lovey dovey moment in simply saying, "I'm sorry but I have to go."
Before they could respond I had already begun the journey to the door. Maybe one of them said good-bye but I didn't turn to look. I had enough of their "happy couple" pictures in my head to last me quite a long time. I walked as to not raise any suspicion. I desperately wanted to scream but I refused myself this pleasure or at the very least postponed it for a time when I'd be alone.
__Once I was outside, I waited to hear the doors shut. When they did, I sprinted towards my car. Every step that hit the pavement coincided with the emotional hammer that pounded on my heart. My vision blurred and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to tell which car was mine. When I found my car, I franticly struggled with my keys to unlock the door. Then, when I was inside, I made no hesitation in bolting out of the parking lot.
__About two minutes after leaving, I began to calm down. I told myself that I did very well. I made it through it all without looking desperate or blubbering all over the place. Although I didn't reach my goal in making him miss me, I could still take comfort in the fact that I didn't make the situation worse between us. I was proud that I didn't shed a single tear, even though I came very close. Maybe I wouldn’t cry after all.
__I arrived at my house feeling exhausted and couldn’t wait to eat the piece of cheesecake I had saved in the refrigerator. I needed a hot bath and the comfort of my bed. I walked inside and everything was dark and quiet. I remembered that my parents went out of town for a wedding and I’d have the house to myself for the weekend.
__I was alone.
__The thought electrified down through my spine. I was truly alone. Not just here in this house but as a person. I had no one to hold onto and no one to squeeze me back. I had no one to tell me that they loved me or that everything was going to be okay. I had no one, no one at all.
__I felt a burning in my eyes. This realization was the cue my tears had been waiting for. This was the moment I felt coming earlier this evening and tried to ignore. Before I could think another thought, the tears came flowing out. My nose tingled as it turned red; slowly spreading its color into my cheeks. My breathing became irregular and my knees grew weak. Feeling the strength pull right out of me, I collapsed to the floor. I hugged the ground wishing it were someone else.
__After a moment, crying felt…okay. I had been dreading it but in truth it’s what I needed. I needed to get out all the pain and hurt I’ve been holding onto for so long. I knew this wasn’t going to end soon so I dragged myself off the floor and upstairs into my room. I wrapped myself in my sheets and let my undying tears slowly soak into my pillow.
__Time went by. How long it felt and how long it was were two different things. It didn’t really matter to me; all I knew was that the tears were slowing down and that my breathing was now steady and deep. I was run down in so many different ways, even to the point where it hurt to think. My mind grew silent and all I could do was watch all the colors swirl in my head until I inevitably drifted off to sleep.
